Tuesday, April 15th, 2008

Well, I was right. Today I was fine. I went to bed after writing that last post and cried myself to sleep while talking to God. Part of my problem is that I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut most of the time when mom is correcting me or getting onto me for something I should have done but forgot. That's a large part of why I was upset last night and why I often wonder if she wouldn't be better off without me because I can't seem to be a good Godly child. It's frustrating.

When I woke up this morning, I was feeling a bit better, but still not happy. I opened my devotional and started flipping through the pages to find today's devotion so I could read the verses when I stumbled across a devotion from a different day that really caught my eye. Not because I hadn't heard it before, but because it fit exactly what I was going through. This devotion, as it was, happened to be about taming the tongue. As I started reading it (and the verses that went with it) I was almost in tears again. It started talking about listening to others and asking them how their lives were going instead of talking about yourself all the time, which I do for the most part. It really hit home though because a couple months ago when Abigail and I were talking about how to make friends when you move to a new place, she told me people like to be asked how they are doing. I tried not to take offense, but I ended up taking it as though she were telling me to shut up about myself once in awhile (sorry AJ). I began praying earnestly for God to help me.

After finishing that devotion, I went on to today's devotion. Later in the afternoon I ran into 'Cinda in the library. Well, she ran into me and scared the dickens outta me. Anyway, she invited me to come eat lunch with her and Meagan V. Well that just made my day! Really cheered me up. Through the course of the conversation at lunch, I tried to be extra aware of how much I was talking and making sure I wasn't talking too much about myself. The devotional kept coming back into my mind over and over again. As I was sitting there, I went over our conversation that had happened so far and it seemed like I had been talking an awful lot about myself. Well intended of course, because I wanted to catch her up on what was going on in my life, but still probably more than she wanted to hear. I felt like crying. I hated that I had messed up again. I started asking her and Meagan how they were doing, not so much out of guilt, but because I really was interested. After that I made it a point to keep quiet and listen to them talk for the rest of the meal.

The rest of the day went pretty well. I had a class after lunch then went home and studied pretty much the rest of the evening (until now of course).

I still find it interesting how God has helped me to be more sensitive to the Spirit lately. All these years I've asked, but it never seemed to do any good. Maybe I wasn't trying hard enough on my part back then.

Well, I need to get to bed now. Jacinda is meeting me at the fitness center at 7am so we can workout together. Have a great and blessed day in the Lord!

The pain is deep,

It cuts like a knife.

Oh dear Lord,

Please end my strife.

Just get me through

Or end my life;

I don't care,

I'm giving up the fight.

To be with You

Is what I long for.

Nothing less,

Nothing more.

I'm fading fast;

I'm almost gone.

I see Heaven's gates

And I hear a song.

Noone will miss me

Once I'm gone.

Maybe just Abigail,

But she'll move on.

Perhaps mom will,

But only for a bit.

She'll be better off without me,

That's why I have to quit.

I'm giving up the fight,

There's nothing more to say.

Just take me quickly

Oh Lord I pray.

I don't know if I should post this, but I'm going to anyway. Don't worry if you read this, I'm sure I'll be fine tomorrow. Maybe.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Ok, this blog is going to be short and sweet because I don't really have much to say. I just wanted to share something that happened today.

It's amazing how God can use people of every shape and size, young and old. I went to church this evening because I didn't go this morning and felt bad about it. When I walked in I was snubbed by a couple of the girls from the college Bible study. I let it get to me more than I should have and was fighting back tears. All throughout the sermon (which just happened to be about Jonathan and David and how Saul didn't like David, but David served him anyway) I kept thinking about it and was feeling depressed. Wes, Audrey, and Leah were sitting behind me, but since they didn't see my face, I'm sure they didn't really know what was going on, which is a good thing. I don't like people to see me when I'm upset. Anyway, after the sermon Leah slipped me a folded up piece of paper. When I opened it it said "I love you amber" and she had drawn a picture of us holding hands. Naturally, that just made my day and made me feel a whole lot better. I really am going to miss that little girl when they move away next month.

Saturday, April 12th, 2008

Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30 am because I had a lot I wanted to get done before class. When I got up one of the first things I saw was my Bible and thought I really should do my devotions because I had asked God to remind me to do them in the mornings. Well, I didn't enough time to allow myself to wake up AND do my devotions because I had other stuff to get done, so I decided to do my devotions WHILE i woke up. Bad idea. I don't remember anything I read because I was 1/2 asleep. All I remember is reading 2 Psalms on my own and doing a daily devotion out of 2 devotionals. I felt bad, but I just can't concentrate that early in the morning. I just prayed that God understood and that He looked at my heart. Anyway, I had to go get mom some ice before going to school so I did that then headed over to the fitness center at Tech to work out, something I haven't done in over a year and want to get back into the habit of doing. Well it's supposed to open at 6 am, but when I got there at 7am, it was still closed. Since I had been planning to call April and see if she wanted to have breakfast after I worked out, I went ahead and called her, thinking I'd just work out after I ate. Well, she had been thinking about skipping breakfast. but decided we could meet at the caf at 9:15 for a late one since we hadn't been able to spend anytime together lately. I was stoked! :-) Since Tech Fit still wasn't open, I went for a little drive so I could just talk to God and think. When I got back to Tech Fit at 7:45, it was STILL closed. So I went and wasted time until April and I met for breakfast. That was fun! I'm so happy we got to hang out. We haven't really gotten to do that this semester because she's been so busy (I have been too, but not nearly as busy as she has been). She had class at 10 so we didn't get to spend a whole lot of time visiting, but it was a nice visit nonetheless.

At 1, I had an appointment with the heart doctor. That went ok. She did however order me to get some bloodwork done and wants to see me in 6 months because my blood pressure was borderline and she wants to checkup on it again. Afterwards I headed back over to Tech Fit to work out and lo and behold, I locked my keys in the car!! Slightly embarrased, I called April and meekly asked for a ride back to my apartment so I could get mom's keys and open it. She was nice enough to give me a ride. :-) When I got back to the car and got my keys out, I went inside and FINALLY got to work out. I was so happy to finally get to work out again! Later that evening April called and said they had opened the floodgates at the Lock & Dam so mom and I drove out there to look. Not nearly as pretty as the pictures of the ones at Norfork Dam, but kinda fun to look at anyway. After that we went across the bridge because another friend had told me that there was a baseball field on the other side that was completely underwater. Boy was it ever! There was a basketball court next to it and you could barely see the hoops! I know to some people (*cough* Abigail) that might not seem like much since they've seen worse, but I've never seen flooding firsthand so it was an interesting experience. That pretty much sums up my day. The rest of it was pretty uneventful. Not that I'm complaining! :-)

Today when I woke up, I didn't do my devotions mainly because I was discouraged that I didn't really remember what I read yesterday. After getting on the computer to wake up a bit, and watching an episode of VeggieTales (did that bring back memories!), I headed over to Wal-Mart to get a few prescriptions filled and get some household items. They were shorthanded at the pharmacy and I had to wait for an hour. After getting the other items I needed, I headed over to the books section and looked at some of them in the inspirational section. I couldn't believe what they called "inspirational"! There was a murder mystery book there about a guy named Adam who died and was resurrected and at some point decide if he was going to die for his wife, who was named Eve. *Insert eyes rolling.* Someone tell me how this was inspirational? Just because it's a couple named Adam and Eve (which I don't think they should have done anyway) doesn't make it inspirational! Come on people! Anyway, I gave up on looking for a good novel and started looking at the Bibles and devotionals. I came across one by Beth Moore and opened it up. Guess what it said on the page I opened up? “God delights in the attentions you give Him even if you practice them much like you did yesterday.” HELLO! Talk about a slap in the face! I had been praying for God to make it obvious when He was talking to me. Well, He did! Isn't it funny how we ask God for something then we're so surprised when He answers? Or maybe that's just me. Well, that's pretty much it. When I got home, I had to clean teh floors and bathroom, but that's pretty much all I did. Oh, I called one of my friends from back home who I haven't talked to in atleast 6 months and we had a nice talk. Anyway, if you read this all the way through, God Bless You! I know it's long. If you didn't, atleast read the first and last paragraphs. They are the main reasons I wrote this. Have a great day in the Lord! :-) Signing off!

3:45 AM, Monday Morning

Here I sit, once again, unable to sleep. However, unlike the other times, I used the opportunity to read my Bible. Ok, first I watched music videos from Christian artists on YouTube, but for the last 1 1/2 hours I have been reading my Bible. It is amazing how you can get so absorbed in it. I started out reading John 17 because a dear friend of mine had given me some notes on it and I had yet to go over them. Then I went on to 2 Corinthians 5 because I had some questions about it and felt they would best be answered by reading it rather than asking questions. Or atleast read it before I ask the questions. Anyway, I got so lost in reading about Paul that I was finishing the book before I knew it. I still can't believe I read 9 chapters (not counting 1 or 2 from John).

The reason I am writing this blog is because while reading 2 Corinthians 5 I took some notes I thought some people might be interested in reading. I must warn you though, I am by no means an expert. Far from it in fact. I encourage you to get your Bible out (whether it be right next to you or under a foot of dust on your bookshelf) and read it for yourself. The notes I have taken are a mix of study notes in my Bible and my own interpretation of what it says, mainly the latter. Now that I have let you know, let us begin.

Like I said before, the notes I took were over 2 Corinthians 5. In verses 1-8 Paul compares our earthly bodies to our future resurrection bodies. This is really neat because our old bodies will pass away and we will be given new, perfect ones that will last us for eternity! Can you imagine having a body that doesn't ache? Being able to do yardwork without being sore after? Pretty amazing stuff! Because of this (among other reasons of course!) we shouldn't be afraid of death, we should embrace it! Now, I don't mean go out and do something crazy like kill yourself, but "be anxious of nothing." (Don't ask me where that's found, I only know it's somewhere in the Bible. Like I said, I'm not an expert. ;-))

Verses 9 and 10 remind us that we will be judged. Now this concerned me because, like most people, I have committed some pretty serious sins in my lifetime. Upon further investigation, I discovered that this "judgment" that the Christians will go through isn't going to be a punishment. In Matthew 16:27 it says that "He will reward each according to his works." Phew! Praise Jesus! Now, that doesn't mean that we get off scott-free and can sin whenever we want. God's free gift (salvation) doesn't free us from having to faithfully obey Him.

This thought coincided with what I read in verses 13-15. Verse 15 says, "He died for all, that those who live should live no longer for themselves, but for Him who died for them and rose again." (Aren't you glad He rose again? I am!) Because Christ died for us, we need to live for Him, not ourselves. It's the least we can do.

Verse 20 says that we are Christ's ambassadors and we represent Him in everything we say and do. Now, this can be hard work at first. I especially struggle in the area of glorifying Him in everything I say. I've heard from several other people that they have that problem as well. But, with Christ, all things are possible!

Verse 21 refers to Christ's death on our behalf so that "we might become the righteousness of God in Him." This verse is amazing if you think about it. Christ died for YOU so that YOU could become righteous and go to Heaven. It always amazes me to think about what He went through on the cross for you and me.

While reading and studying the last 5 verses of this chapter, Ray Boltz' song (I'm pretty sure he's the one who sings it) "I Surrender All" came on the radio. I can't think of a more fitting song for the topic. For those of you who aren't familiar with the song, or haven't heard it in awhile, the chorus goes:

I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams

Though the price to follow costs me everything

I surrender all my human soul desires

If sacrifice requires

That all my kingdoms fall

I surrender all

It is now 4:35 AM. I am signing off in hopes of getting a little bit of sleep before I have to get up for school. God bless you and have a wonderful day!